Coming Soon To A Life Near You – ‘Getting Old’

cat in the hat golden years

This is funny, unless it applies to you, then it’s just the inconvenient truth.

Aging. It’s the constant of all life. Creams can’t prevent it. Exercise and eating healthy can slow it but cannot stop it. Like the Borg, resistance is futile.

Kathleen Madigan has a rather funny take on the matter.

When you get older there’s some things that you have to do. First they tell you to check your testicles regularly because testicular cancer is on the rise. Now for older men checking your testicles means checking your testicles, whereas for younger men checking your testicles is just masterbation.

Then, when you turn 50, the government shows how much it cares. No they don’t send you a birthday card. They send you a kit so you can . . . how can I say this . . . take stool samples and send them to be checked through the mail. There’s plenty of things you can’t send in the mail but apparently fecal samples are perfectly fine. Then if they find some blood in your samples you get to go and have a colonoscopy. Having a small camera inserted into your rectum to take video of your colon is slightly awkward but thank God they sedate you.

Not so with the prostate check. Any visit to the doctor’s office that requires gloves and lubricant is, to say the least, going to be awkward. However, necessity being the mother of invention, scientists (no doubt men) invented a simple test that eliminated the need for men to get a new doctor every time they got their prostate checked.

It is true that there are many things involved with aging that are not to be desired. As in the poem above, your eyesight starts to go and so does your hearing. Snap, crackle and pop is not the sound of your morning cereal but your joints when you get up out of your chair. Young people limp when they get an injury but when you get old you limp when you get out of bed in the morning.

There are things you are able to do that you couldn’t when you were young. Take your teeth out. Nap on command. Wash your head with a facecloth.

If you’re young and you are reading this don’t despair. There are things to look forward to. Your children grow up and they produce wonderful things called grandchildren. Your eyesight goes but you learn to appreciate beauty. Your hearing dims but you but the sound of a baby laughing makes you smile. You gain wisdom and experience that you can pass on to the next generation. These are things that money can’t buy.

And before you look down on an old person for being slow or deaf or smelly or just plain weird remember this. Life comes full circle. You’re born whining and complaining, you eat soft food and you wear diapers and then you get old and you whine and complain, eat soft food and wear diapers.

You think you’re cool now? Well just wait. Nobody looks cool wearing diapers.

I leave you with this video by Kenny Chesney called ‘Don’t Blink’. (I know it’s country but it’s an awesome song with a great message. Give it a listen)