The Classics?

Have you ever heard of literature they like to call ‘The Classics’?

Not like Disney movies that are hyped as ‘instant classics’. I mean the old stuff. The stuff written when men still wore wigs and stockings. Stuff written around the time of great world events like the Napoleonic era or the plague.

Great masters of the printed word, able to sculpt ideas and paint grande vistas of imagination with a turn of a phrase.

Well it’s crap. Total unmitigated doggerel. It is a crime that trees had to be cut down for it.

The majority of this twaddle is so painful to read that it should be used as a judicial sentencing tool. Don’t behead the poor sot just read him War and Peace. He’ll be begging to die by page 10.

Crime and Punishment? It’s both. Les Mizerables? 30 pages describing in minute detail the history and workings of the Parisian sewer system. Moby Dick? You lost me at “Call me Ishmael.”

Don’t get me wrong. I wanted to read these books. All my life I’d heard references to them describing with baited breath the depth of insight into such and such or the genius of the author in weaving so wonderful a tale.

Tripe! Hogwash! I started reading War and Peace and from the first it bored me to tears. Knowing that some books take some time to get going I diligently kept reading about this annoying Countess who page after page whined about being basically penniless and scheming to find a patron. I got half way through and I said to myself, “It has got to get better.” It didn’t. That’s 4 days I won’t get back.

Crime and Punishment was another marathon of merriment. Some guy is having trouble with his land lady. He gets sick and in his delirium kills her and then goes around visiting the police station among other things. Didn’t even get half way through this masterpiece.

Moby Dick? Never made it past chapter 2. Les Miz? Chapter 4. After such failures I finally realized why people read this stuff. Somebody else read these sleep inducing volumes and, not wanting to be the only suckers on the planet, went around praising them and the genius of the authors to get others to do the same thing.

I refuse to be an enabler. I must take a stand and stop this madness.

If anyone tells you that you should read a particular book because it is a classic, look them in the eye and tell them you’ll wait for the movie.

Instant classic. Man they must think we’re stupid.

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