You Know Your Getting Old When ….

Getting old sucks

It does have its benefits. Your kids grow up and move out which means your bills go down. Way down. You also have less responsibility, although you don’t necessarily worry less.

But as anyone who has reached 50 knows, things start to malfunction and wear out. You can’t sleep through the night without getting up at least once to take a pee. And when you do you sound like a haunted house with all the creaking and moaning just to shuffle your sorry old ass to the bathroom.

But you know you are officially old, at least in Ontario, when they send you your colon cancer screening kit in the mail for your 50th birthday.

For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s a set of 3 wooden sticks and a piece of cardboard with 3 flaps for collecting stool samples that are sent away and examined for signs of colon cancer.

Now for a man this is particularly frustrating and stressful because the rule is if I don’t know about it then I don’t have it. Actually collecting the specimens and sending them off is contrary to mandom. It violates the ignorance rule and therefore puts you square in the middle of the knowledge dilemma.

I managed to put this off for almost a year. I don’t know what compelled me to collect and send the samples but I did. Just as an aside, does anyone else think it a bit bizarre that these samples are sent back through the mail? I thought mine should have a bio-hazard sticker on it since my family bought that one size fits all HAZMAT suit to wear when going to the bathroom after I had vacated it. It seems the ceiling fan wasn’t sufficient.

Now my Doctor’s office phones me up and says that my Doctor requests an appointment to discuss the results of the samples that I sent. It wasn’t really alarming until she said that it was not urgent. Not urgent? That’s like comforting a dying man by saying, “Don’t worry, everything’s going to be just fine”.

What does that mean? “Not urgent”. Does it mean not urgent as in there is nothing wrong and we just need to go over the results? Or does it mean not urgent as in the results indicate that you have a good year to live and we just have to discuss possible treatments?

I’m not sure but I’m hoping that it’s the former. Or maybe I should just assume it’s the former and cancel the appointment.

That would be the manly thing to do.

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