Idiots. Also known by their scientific name, Moronicus Absolutae or Ignoramus Totalicus. We’ve all known at least one that has crossed our path. We’ve marveled at their longevity and even as we try to grasp how they’ve managed to live this long we come to the conclusion that the effort is in vain. They are like the Borg. “Understanding is futile.”
Because our society shuns the idea of forced sterilization they have proliferated to the point that they are making a significant impact on our lives. Things are more expensive because idiots find ways of using things in a way that a person with adequate grey matter could never conceive. (Don’t even try to out-think an idiot on his own turf because it’s the only thing they are truly good at. In an odd Darwinian way, being an idiot is their gift). After suffering the inevitable injury they then find a lawyer who is fluent in stupid and sue. When they get to court some obscure law of the universe kicks in and they populate the jury with 9 people that buy Velcro shoes at Wal-Mart because their heads would explode if they had to tie laces, who then listen attentively while our idiot tells them why he was using the plugged in hair straightener for an anal probe. Then, ignoring the judges instructions that even the intellectually challenged claimant should have known better than to thrust what amounted to a hot poker up his ass, they award him/her millions of dollars while the stunned company must now put a label on their product in both writing, (for the non-benefit of those who could not have possibly conceived of using it that way and regret that they now know that someone has), and some form of non pornographic image, (for benefit of those that could), that informs the user that said product is for external use only.
Or take the brainiac who purchased an RV (Recreational Vehicle) with cruise control. How could the manufacturer possibly know that King of the idiots would one day walk into an RV dealership and, while the salesman was pointing out the cruise control option, would hear through the vortex of stupid the word: auto-pilot. This addlebrained Adonis – this Titanic twit – this Idol of ignorance, thought that he was getting the deal of a lifetime. For the price of a normal RV he was going to get the Buck Rogers package.
Imagine the thrill of excitement as he traveled down the highway of stupid and, being hungry, set the “auto-pilot” (Dr. Evil quotation fingers here) and went back to rustle up some grub. (Picture the RV sailing majestically off the paved road and entering the adjoining field) . . . So after the Buck Rogers RV came to an unceremonious stop and the King discovered that objects in motion tend to stay in motion until acted upon by the windshield of an RV, and having survived, what did our moron do? That’s right. He sued the RV manufacturer and won. Now instead of a 30 page owners manual there is a 500 page, leather-bound tome describing the safe use of everything from the keys to the floor mats (none of which are to be inserted into any orifice of the body at any time for any reason).
What really boggles the mind is the RV idiot. I mean, you can’t prevent some bastion of brainless from purchasing something that in the hands of a normal person is perfectly harmless, but to get a license you have to write some kind of test. I mean what are the standards in the State where he resides? Give you a crayon and tell you to draw your favourite fruit?
Idiots are everywhere and as long as you don’t talk to them they appear to be perfectly normal. But don’t be fooled. They are the Zombies of intellect. They could eat brains for every meal but it wouldn’t do any good. They are gradually lowering the planetary IQ and if we are not careful, one day world commerce and personal interaction will cease because we will be too stupid to remember how to open the front door.
The day of the Intelligent is past . . . the day of the Idiot is here.
Even Zombies won’t eat the brain of an idiot.